First off I would like to apologize to everyone who is part of this club, the people who have sent me notes and submissions and the people who wanted to do the Valentine's Day Contest. I am soooo sorry for being absent these past 6 months. So much has happened since then.
Not long after I posted that contest I began to fall into a very deep depression. I couldn't pull myself out. I went so far as to renounce my faith, not publicly though. I simply told God I didn't believe in Him and that he wasn't real. I walked away from everything I knew was good. I was constantly depressed, moody and mean and I didn't care about anyone but me. I began listening to music that wasn't so uplifting. Several bands helped pull me down, but the one that took me down the farthest was Three Days Grace. I really believe the music we listen to affects us very powerfully. Positively or negatively.
I became possessed. I don't how many of you believe in possession, but I truly believe that's what it was. My family couldn't talk to me anymore, the only things I could say were either negative or just mean. My mom said my face was black and my eyes were sunk in.
I was suicidal. I drove like a maniac and was constantly
trying to get myself killed.
I started cutting. I regret this the most. The scars still remain. 11 on my left arm a 8 on my right. They are not dark enough to be to noticeable to anyone else. But I can see them and I remember when I made each one. They are a very painful reminder of what happens when you tell God He isn't good enough and you take your life into your own hands.
Everything finally came to a head at the end of March. While I was practicing guitar my mom saw the marks on my arms and called a family meeting. (Excluding my dad because he is not a Christian and he didn't even notice the difference in me.) As I was sitting on the couch my mom told me to pull up my sleeves and show my little sisters (17 and 11) what I had been doing. I sat there unable to move and unable to speak. My mom grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeves. Both of my sisters started crying.
That was the first wrench to my heart.
My mom "lectured" me. But it was not a lecture in the normal sense of the word. She tried to get me to see things from their point of view. She said if my life here was so bad and if I wanted to leave so badly then I should just go. But that I should stop making them suffer. She cried while she said all these things. I am glad she said all the things she did. But through it all I couldn't say a word. Even though I screamed in my head that I wanted to say something, the demon wouldn't let me.
It controlled me.
Towards the end of her "lecture" I began to cry. At first it was simply a few tears, then it turned into sobs. My mom sat down on the coffee table across from me and grabbed me and hugged me. I cried and managed to choke out two words. "help me".
So my mom began to pray. So told the demon to get out and than it couldn't have me. In Jesus name she began to cast him out. I started to sob harder and I began to grip her tighter and tighter. She told my younger sisters to lay hands on me and pray for me. I felt the demon in my fight when my little 11 year old sister prayed one simple sentence out loud. "Please Jesus, take the demon out of my sister." I heard her say it and then I heard screaming in my head. My mom told it again to get out. And then I screamed. Looking back I would say that the best word to describe that scream would be "unearthly".
I continued to sob as they prayed for me. Then my mom reached behind her for the Bible she knew was sitting on the coffee table. My mom told me afterward that she missed the Bible and picked up another book on accident and it felt light as a feather. But when she grabbed the Bible she could barely pick it up. She knew the demon didn't want her to read out of that.
As soon as she moved I knew what she was doing. I began to growl. But I knew it wasn't me. There was no way I could've made that sound. The demon was angry. He didn't want her to read that Word. I don't remember what verse she read. I do remember the whole time I was growling I was screaming in my head for her to read it. To keep reading.
I finally began to pray in my head. I didn't have the will to pray out loud, but I could finally do it in my own head. After reading the verse my mom began praying again. Then the growling stopped. My sobs began to subside. The evil veil in the room lifted and the room suddenly became lighter. The blackness in my face disappeared.
I asked Jesus back in.
Since then it has not been an easy road. I have fallen so many times I can't even count them. I have struggled to keep my faith and find God again. I still sometimes have trouble praying. And I can barely read my Bible. Sometimes the guilt consumes me knowing I don't deserve to be taken back. I wonder how Jesus can love me after I've done something so terrible. But I know that's the demon whispering in my ear. Trying to get me away from Him again. And I refuse to listen to it.
I know that Jesus won't give up on me.
I know He loves me. Even after everything I did.
And I am thankful that even though I still screw up, He still takes me back.
I am not telling you this to make an excuse why I haven't been around. I am telling you this as a testimony. And so that you know that you aren't alone in the battle.
I am also telling you this to let you know that, as Christians, we
are on the front lines. And things like this
do happen. We can not stand passively by and think that "someone else will fight the battle". That is NOT acceptable. We have to take a stand and fight back. We have to pray constantly and intervene and do those things God tells us to do.
We ARE being shot at. But some of us don't understand why. We are in a war. The Ultimate War.
After what I have been through, I refuse to let Satan take me again. I refuse to let him have anyone I know. I may fall, I may not be as good of a prayer warrior as I was, but I am not going to let him win. Jesus is on our side and he is bigger than any demon and He is bigger than Satan. We can
win this. But not on our own. Only with Jesus can we win this. I pray that you are with me in this battle. Be watchful. For the enemy will use even your own family members to turn you against Jesus.
Again, I am sorry for not being around. Please forgive me.
To all of you who have asked to join and who have sent submissions and who are watching the club, please bare with me as go through and get everything updated. I will try harder to keep closer tabs on this club. Please be praying for me.
I love you guys.
And thank you for letting me share my testimony.
Love in Christ,
Veronica (~
Little-Shinikami)